Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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