did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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