I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How does it feel to date your dad?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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