You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
