I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
