i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
