so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
