it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
