got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
