You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
