You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
