I bet he comes in French.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
