the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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