is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
