My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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