Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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