I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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