we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
