Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
