my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She's not a foreskin expert like you
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Randomize
