I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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