The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Pants are for mortals
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