Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Randomize
