he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
