when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
