well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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