i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
