The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
