I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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