I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
