I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Randomize
