yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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