Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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