a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
