I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
