she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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