If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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