At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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