turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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