all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
