Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
