I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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