I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
