my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
