I want to have your abortion
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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