I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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