I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
