So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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