Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
