Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
