just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
